Clinical depression: marked by a depressed mood most of the day, particularly in the morning, and a loss of interest in normal activities and relationships -- symptoms that are present every day for at least 2 weeks. In addition, according to the DSM-5 -- a manual used to diagnose mental health conditions -- you may have other symptoms with major depression. Also called Major Depressive Disorder.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: noun a psychological disorder characterized by excessive or disproportionate anxiety about several aspects of life, such as work, social relationships, or financial matters. Symptoms must persist for six months prior to diagnosis.

That's what they do tell you.

What they don't: how many times
others will tell you that you are "too much"
too angry
too upset
too emotional
too something
too anything for them to handle.
That your gentle, loving, kind, understanding
who goes out of his way to reassure you
that you are never a burden
will tell you in the middle of a meltdown
that you need to learn to "detach."
Which you know
that was the worst moment to say it.

What they do tell you:
that you may experience heightened anxiety
that you may become stuck in a rut 
that you may be randomly irritable or cranky or that 
you might get frantic sometimes - 
and that depression and anxiety both produce these symptoms, 
so you're extra-screwed.

What they don't tell you:
how you will obsess over moments small and large
you will fight to train your brain 
to let go of ANYTHING
how 2 am will be your worst enemy
how much it will hurt
to have others push away
how sometimes your fears
will transmute themselves into
brattiness and being flip about that brattiness
being so fucking persistent in your need for attention
that you get reprimanded
and after that reprimand you can behave again, really you can
but it might 
matter -
and even if it does, your brain
will still tell you it doesn't.

What they do tell you:
you may be oversensitive
you may assume that one bad moment 
is the end of everything

What they don't:
that the anxiety and depression
will create a dichotomy between adult
and child
in your brain, and how hope will be 
the most painful thing you experience
and one pet name, one word, one phrase
could be the most reassuring thing 
another person can possibly give you
but you cannot expect anything.

What they do tell you: 
perhaps you should be on drugs

What they don't:
the drugs will help with the sadness
by putting a cloud around your brain
and you won't feel sad anymore
you won't be anxious
you won't
And you will try five different types
and they will all be the same
so finally you will decide
that you are going to try to do this sans drugs, 
because you'd rather feel pain than nothing.

What they do tell you: 
sometimes you will be out of control.

What they don't: 
That you will see and recognize that out of control moment
or day
or month
But you will not be able to FUCKING STOP IT
and you will want to reach out and say 
"This was my fear 
and yours
intersecting in the worst way possible,
and i am so so so so
and please, please understand - 
please see ME under this cloud
please believe i'm NOT this bad
please don't shove me away"
But you'll be afraid to reach out, afraid
you're just making everything

What they do tell you:
That you will probably be pessimistic.

What they don't: 
That you will mentally prepare yourself
for everything EXCEPT the best-case
and that when you are met with unexpected 
loving touch and words
Part of you will freeze 
and you will be hesitant
and fearful
and if you are reassured,
a switch will flip in your brain
that says "i'm safe with this -
this lovingkindness
this closeness"
The next push away
will fracture you emotionally,
because you were prepared for anything bad
but you got good instead, and you
don't know how
to reconcile the two.

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