CD/GAD

Clinical depression: marked by a depressed mood most of the day, particularly in the morning, and a loss of interest in normal activities and relationships -- symptoms that are present every day for at least 2 weeks. In addition, according to the DSM-5 -- a manual used to diagnose mental health conditions -- you may have other symptoms with major depression. Also called Major Depressive Disorder.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: noun a psychological disorder characterized by excessive or disproportionate anxiety about several aspects of life, such as work, social relationships, or financial matters. Symptoms must persist for six months prior to diagnosis.

That's what they do tell you.

What they don't: how many times

others will tell you that you are "too much"

too angry

too upset

too emotional

too something

too anything for them to handle.

That your gentle, loving, kind, understanding

partner
who goes out of his way to reassure you
that you are never a burden

will tell you in the middle of a meltdown

that you need to learn to "detach."

Which you know

only

that was the worst moment to say it.

What they do tell you:

that you may experience heightened anxiety

that you may become stuck in a rut 

that you may be randomly irritable or cranky or that 

you might get frantic sometimes - 

and that depression and anxiety both produce these symptoms, 

so you're extra-screwed.

What they don't tell you:

how you will obsess over moments small and large

you will fight to train your brain 

to let go of ANYTHING

how 2 am will be your worst enemy

how much it will hurt

to have others push away

how sometimes your fears

will transmute themselves into

bitchiness

brattiness and being flip about that brattiness

being so fucking persistent in your need for attention

that you get reprimanded

and after that reprimand you can behave again, really you can

but it might 

not 

matter -
and even if it does, your brain
will still tell you it doesn't.

What they do tell you:

you may be oversensitive

you may assume that one bad moment 

is the end of everything

What they don't:

that the anxiety and depression

will create a dichotomy between adult

and child

in your brain, and how hope will be 

the most painful thing you experience

and one pet name, one word, one phrase

could be the most reassuring thing 

another person can possibly give you

but you cannot expect anything.

What they do tell you: 

perhaps you should be on drugs

What they don't:

the drugs will help with the sadness

by putting a cloud around your brain

and you won't feel sad anymore

you won't be anxious

you won't

feel

shit.

And you will try five different types

and they will all be the same

so finally you will decide

that you are going to try to do this sans drugs, 

because you'd rather feel pain than nothing.

What they do tell you: 

sometimes you will be out of control.

What they don't: 

That you will see and recognize that out of control moment

or day

or month

But you will not be able to FUCKING STOP IT

and you will want to reach out and say 

"This was my fear 

and yours

intersecting in the worst way possible,

and i am so so so so

sorry

and please, please understand - 

please see ME under this cloud

please believe i'm NOT this bad

please don't shove me away"

But you'll be afraid to reach out, afraid

you're just making everything

so

much

worse.

What they do tell you:

That you will probably be pessimistic.

What they don't: 

That you will mentally prepare yourself

for everything EXCEPT the best-case

and that when you are met with unexpected 

closeness

kindness

loving touch and words

Part of you will freeze 

and you will be hesitant

and fearful

and if you are reassured,
a switch will flip in your brain
that says "i'm safe with this -
this lovingkindness
this closeness"
and

The next push away

will fracture you emotionally,

because you were prepared for anything bad

but you got good instead, and you

don't know how

to reconcile the two.