Since childhood
she has learned
that wishes, spoken aloud,
can be twisted
perverted
brought to life in horribly unexpected ways
A child snatched by goblins,
hearts ripped out
or skin torn off,
people twisted into
caricatures of themselves
by helpless, obsessive love wishes
So she locks her wishes down
keeps them behind her lips,
inside her skull,
someplace safe
and warm
and so private
no one will ever, ever hear
and twist
what she wants
into some fucked up version
of reality.
29.6.16
Dichotomies
Why are we so gentle on those
surrounding us
and so hard on ourselves?
Why express loathing, over and over,
of the things we despise in ourselves
the "weaknesses" or "flaws"
when we can see the beauty of them
in those we care for?
i tell my friends
over and over
they are lovely, wonderful, gorgeous,
good enough
for anyone or anything
while fighting my own feeling
that i must ask permission
for everything -
to talk,
to exist,
to take up space
in others' lives
to BE
i tell them
"pay attention to your limits"
while fighting my own
until i force panic attacks,
unraveling all the triggers
because i want to be DONE.
Healed.
No more fragility
no more feeling of being pathetic,
unwanted,
ignored and left behind.
i tell them
"you are never a burden,"
"anything you want or need
that i am capable of,
just ask me"
"you don't have to isolate yourself"
while shutting myself down,
feeling that if i reach out,
if i expect attention from anyone
i
am
always
a burden.
And while i know, logically,
that i am not a burden,
not pathetic or weak
or a waste of space
or resented for reaching out,
burrowing into one's own head
is so much harder
than saying it to someone else.
surrounding us
and so hard on ourselves?
Why express loathing, over and over,
of the things we despise in ourselves
the "weaknesses" or "flaws"
when we can see the beauty of them
in those we care for?
i tell my friends
over and over
they are lovely, wonderful, gorgeous,
good enough
for anyone or anything
while fighting my own feeling
that i must ask permission
for everything -
to talk,
to exist,
to take up space
in others' lives
to BE
i tell them
"pay attention to your limits"
while fighting my own
until i force panic attacks,
unraveling all the triggers
because i want to be DONE.
Healed.
No more fragility
no more feeling of being pathetic,
unwanted,
ignored and left behind.
i tell them
"you are never a burden,"
"anything you want or need
that i am capable of,
just ask me"
"you don't have to isolate yourself"
while shutting myself down,
feeling that if i reach out,
if i expect attention from anyone
i
am
always
a burden.
And while i know, logically,
that i am not a burden,
not pathetic or weak
or a waste of space
or resented for reaching out,
burrowing into one's own head
is so much harder
than saying it to someone else.
22.6.16
The Hardest Lessons
The hardest lessons
i have had to learn
all involve myself.
That it is okay
to not be okay,
even on the days that
everything
hurts
and i can no longer respond
to even gentle humor.
That in spite of it being easier
to blame myself than
to acknowledge if someone i love
is to blame for anything,
i cannot blame myself
for everything, and that
the way i'm treated is NOT
necessarily a reflection
of who i am.
That i'm allowed to have emotions,
that no one gets to dictate
how deeply i feel, or about what,
and that i'm not fucked up
just because i react strongly.
That i'm human,
allowed to expect
clarity
affection
attention
the things the voice
in the back of my head
tells me i don't deserve,
that i should never expect.
That my needs are valid,
not problems
and not issues i need to fix.
That i'm allowed to look
into another person's eyes
and say "No," clearly,
and that it is their problem
if they cannot accept it.
That i am worth loving
even on the days
i feel completely unlovable.
That the longing i feel
is valid
no matter what.
i have had to learn
all involve myself.
That it is okay
to not be okay,
even on the days that
everything
hurts
and i can no longer respond
to even gentle humor.
That in spite of it being easier
to blame myself than
to acknowledge if someone i love
is to blame for anything,
i cannot blame myself
for everything, and that
the way i'm treated is NOT
necessarily a reflection
of who i am.
That i'm allowed to have emotions,
that no one gets to dictate
how deeply i feel, or about what,
and that i'm not fucked up
just because i react strongly.
That i'm human,
allowed to expect
clarity
affection
attention
the things the voice
in the back of my head
tells me i don't deserve,
that i should never expect.
That my needs are valid,
not problems
and not issues i need to fix.
That i'm allowed to look
into another person's eyes
and say "No," clearly,
and that it is their problem
if they cannot accept it.
That i am worth loving
even on the days
i feel completely unlovable.
That the longing i feel
is valid
no matter what.
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