18.5.16

Frustration, or Wading Through the Crap

What no one tells you:

the sheer
utter
sometimes frenzied

FRUSTRATION
there is in healing
the loops
around and around
back through fears that surprise
even
yourself.

The urge to connect,
to reach out
to beg
for attention
affection
anything
that will help silence the fear.
The overcoming of
that guilt
shame
the conviction that he was right
that you're actually insane
and even once you're healing
even once you're mostly okay
even the times you feel
happy
part of you remains convinced
that it will all come crashing down.

Being convinced
that everyone is
angry at you
tired of you
not knowing how or why
and that's part of it.

The inability to even articulate
what you want
because fuck if you know.
All you know is that you cycle
from fear of change
to fear of everything
and back again,
and even once you begin
to eradicate the fears,
they sneak up and
ambush you
at the most unexpected times
and with the people
you shouldn't be afraid of.

The simultaneous
fear of silence - shit, did i
just upset them? Did i do or say
something wrong?
Are they angry?
And urge to curl up
in a convenient hole
and just
never
come out,
because silence
can be so comforting
if you choose it.

And gods,
the acid taste
of bringing up the thoughts
feelings
anything that makes you
vulnerable.

Having to remember:
you are not
a bad person
your friends are not angry
your concerns are valid.
No matter how hard it is
to remember any of that.

Though you can
let yourself be so
at the most surprising times
and in the oddest ways
when you are made unexpectedly
welcome,
loved,
thanked,
or when a stranger
calls you beautiful,
calls you good girl,
and you realize
as you crumple toward tears,
that
was all you wanted.

11.5.16

Paradox

For Literaturesexual Wednesday: Write all the things? Writing is sometimes the best or only outlet i have, especially when i can't find words when trying to explain myself.
Paradoxes
Sometimes
   caught at the intersection
of unexpected pain
   and equally unexpected happiness,
i freeze
  unable to fully acknowledge
   either
      unsure of which way to turn
  afraid
   to expose the pain in words
     because half the time
i cannot adequately verbalize it,
  and i am afraid
   of being met with judgement
    instead of understanding.
    And when i manage
      and am met with a casual "fix it"
i fight the urge to withdraw
   hide
    run away
  because
   i don't see it as something
    that is a serious problem -
it is part of me
   the part that enables me to be so vulnerable
    the part that allows me to reach out
      the part that lets me connect
   to anyone at all,
the part
   that causes collapse
     into a flood of tears
      at unexpected kindness
       acceptance
       reassurance
and it does
not
need
  fixing.

4.5.16

A List of Reasons Why You Shouldn't Date Me:

Because
   i'm often irritable
      or angry
   and i can't always explain why.

 Because
   i feel everything
   so deeply
     that i sometimes cannot
    completely control my emotional responses,
     and it's the little things
  that affect me most.

 Because
   between the anxiety
    and the depression
   there are days i desperately need
    attention
  affection
  reassurance
  but
    i often cannot ask -
  i dread
   being
  just an annoyance
  just a burden
  just a pain.

Because i'm a brat,
   and sometimes it's cute
   but other times
   i see the line
   and dance blithely across it,
   until smacked
    or reprimanded.

Because
   the voice in the back of my head
   tells me
  that every
  single
  thing
 he said
   was accurate,
   that i am weak
  pathetic
 bad
hurtful
  crazy
and no matter how often
  i remember
that he was wrong,
  that voice
  says
  He Was Right - and
 i am trying
 so
hard
  to shut
  it
 up
and i often can't express
  how very much
   one or two words
     can help.

Because
  while expensive presents
  make me incredibly uncomfortable,
  i am a downright whore
  for attention
  sometimes.
  And like a cat,
  other times i just want
  to be left alone.

Because
   i am so often afraid.

Because
   i can talk for HOURS
  about fabric,
   or embroidery,
   or obscure historical facts
   or pretty much anything else
  but mostly
  i apologize too much
   for my own passions.

Because
  i refuse connections
  or hand myself over
   without a second thought
and there is no telling
 which you'll get -
   and when i choose
  handing myself over,
 i often grow afraid
   after the fact,

Because
   i am not
   everyone's cup of tea
  as the saying goes,
   but maybe
   i'm someone's
  shot of whiskey
  once in a while.

Because
  part of me now waits
 for any new
  Anything
  to go sideways
regardless of what i do
  or don't do.

3.5.16

Discoveries

i am discovering
   that i do not know
     how to want
the things i'm told
  cannot exist.
   The things
    that my subconscious
   revisits in dreams
   but that may never
   see the light
   of day.
 But oh
  i miss them
  when i wake up
   and remember
  they were only
   ever
 dreams.