i saw Brain vs. Heart
and i laughed helplessly
because Heart got put in a cage
and i can't help wishing
i could do that to myself,
but
let's be realistic
it was too late
the first time our eyes met.
27.12.15
21.12.15
Inner Life
i live so much
in my own head
having conversations, imagining interactions
it's safer here, pleasanter
than reality
though i'm entirely aware
that what lives inside my head
bears only a passing resemblance
to reality
and nothing, no matter what i feel
means anything
in my own head
having conversations, imagining interactions
it's safer here, pleasanter
than reality
though i'm entirely aware
that what lives inside my head
bears only a passing resemblance
to reality
and nothing, no matter what i feel
means anything
16.12.15
Word porn
If i could paint your body
with my words
You would never believe
you were unattractive.
If i could show you the lines
of shivering touch
where your lips and mine met
The trails your mouth left
on my skin
and mine on yours,
the way my abdomen still clenches
at the thought of your
hands buried in my hair
and how soft your skin,
if my hands drew my care
on your chest and arms and ass
If your touch traced
lines of light across my body
and that feather-soft brush
across my cheek and forehead
how can i then claim
i'm not beautiful?
If we could draw the lines of loving
on those we've touched
Would anyone ever think
they were unattractive?
with my words
You would never believe
you were unattractive.
If i could show you the lines
of shivering touch
where your lips and mine met
The trails your mouth left
on my skin
and mine on yours,
the way my abdomen still clenches
at the thought of your
hands buried in my hair
and how soft your skin,
if my hands drew my care
on your chest and arms and ass
If your touch traced
lines of light across my body
and that feather-soft brush
across my cheek and forehead
how can i then claim
i'm not beautiful?
If we could draw the lines of loving
on those we've touched
Would anyone ever think
they were unattractive?
9.12.15
For David
i miss your face
and eyes
The way your hands reached
for me even when
you weren't looking at me
And i love you.
i miss the rambling conversations
about everything,
From things in our past
to Star Wars and whether
we would ever make it
to other planets
And i love you.
i miss your smile
and shoulders
and how you knew
every single time
i was bullshitting
And i love you.
i miss the random calls
And i miss the questions about girlfriends
and the texts that came through
hours later,
and i missed every clue
i should have seen
And i'm so, so sorry
And
i
love
you.
and eyes
The way your hands reached
for me even when
you weren't looking at me
And i love you.
i miss the rambling conversations
about everything,
From things in our past
to Star Wars and whether
we would ever make it
to other planets
And i love you.
i miss your smile
and shoulders
and how you knew
every single time
i was bullshitting
And i love you.
i miss the random calls
And i miss the questions about girlfriends
and the texts that came through
hours later,
and i missed every clue
i should have seen
And i'm so, so sorry
And
i
love
you.
8.12.15
Frustration
There are the days you're fine
cheerful, even
capable, able to do everything that needs doing
And then there are the days you're not.
The days you're so
fucking
tired
of fighting yourself.
So tired of forcing yourself out of bed
of reminding yourself you're loved
even when they're not reminding you
of fighting the urge to just
let everything go
and end this damn farce.
Tired of trying
tired of the replacement
tired of not smoking
tired of caring
tired of not finding refuge in pain.
Tired of telling yourself you're good enough,
a good girl
because no one else is.
Tired of the whole goddamn thing.
Utterly finished
with the foolish hopes
you know will never happen
And exhausted by the voice
in the back of your brain
That says "you could stop if you wanted.
You could be fine
if you wanted."
Because you know it's
all a damn lie
but you can't help
feeling that the damn voice
is right.
cheerful, even
capable, able to do everything that needs doing
And then there are the days you're not.
The days you're so
fucking
tired
of fighting yourself.
So tired of forcing yourself out of bed
of reminding yourself you're loved
even when they're not reminding you
of fighting the urge to just
let everything go
and end this damn farce.
Tired of trying
tired of the replacement
tired of not smoking
tired of caring
tired of not finding refuge in pain.
Tired of telling yourself you're good enough,
a good girl
because no one else is.
Tired of the whole goddamn thing.
Utterly finished
with the foolish hopes
you know will never happen
And exhausted by the voice
in the back of your brain
That says "you could stop if you wanted.
You could be fine
if you wanted."
Because you know it's
all a damn lie
but you can't help
feeling that the damn voice
is right.
3.12.15
Contradictions
i've always described myself
as a wealth of contradictions -
i hold back
don't make many connections
but i see the hidden pains,
the emotions layered in protective blocks
the things people share with
almost no one.
i can be logical and adult
or silly and childish
Eternally hopeful
and buried in despair and worst-case scenarios.
i've always had the urge
to reach out to that hidden pain
peel back the layers
and apply love and comfort
to those wounds i see
so when i reach
it's because i see something
that needs reaching to
And because i've allowed that person
to somehow write their name
on my heart
and often i frighten people
because i see clearly
and sometimes say nothing
because sometimes i feel
that the best possible response
is touch, loving closeness
rather than words.
Ironic, that, considering that words
flowed to me from my parents
without pause
from the time i was born.
i can be so thorny
especially when afraid
bratty or bitchy or too demanding
or i can be quiet and patient and understanding
no matter what happens,
no matter what walls are temporarily erected.
i overflow with love
or sometimes rage
and i don't need anyone.
i need those i care for desperately
and i'm fine alone
or horribly lonely in a crowd.
i want no touch
please cuddle me
and i want no contact.
Please please please
tell me i'm a good girl.
Let me know i'm cared for.
Let me know i'm seen clearly
and loved anyway.
Or because of my cracks and breaks
and the ugly spots in my soul.
Because i love when i see those cracks
and not before.
They say love is blind - if it is,
then i've never truly loved
because it's in the cracks and breaks
and ugly spots
i see the most beauty.
as a wealth of contradictions -
i hold back
don't make many connections
but i see the hidden pains,
the emotions layered in protective blocks
the things people share with
almost no one.
i can be logical and adult
or silly and childish
Eternally hopeful
and buried in despair and worst-case scenarios.
i've always had the urge
to reach out to that hidden pain
peel back the layers
and apply love and comfort
to those wounds i see
so when i reach
it's because i see something
that needs reaching to
And because i've allowed that person
to somehow write their name
on my heart
and often i frighten people
because i see clearly
and sometimes say nothing
because sometimes i feel
that the best possible response
is touch, loving closeness
rather than words.
Ironic, that, considering that words
flowed to me from my parents
without pause
from the time i was born.
i can be so thorny
especially when afraid
bratty or bitchy or too demanding
or i can be quiet and patient and understanding
no matter what happens,
no matter what walls are temporarily erected.
i overflow with love
or sometimes rage
and i don't need anyone.
i need those i care for desperately
and i'm fine alone
or horribly lonely in a crowd.
i want no touch
please cuddle me
and i want no contact.
Please please please
tell me i'm a good girl.
Let me know i'm cared for.
Let me know i'm seen clearly
and loved anyway.
Or because of my cracks and breaks
and the ugly spots in my soul.
Because i love when i see those cracks
and not before.
They say love is blind - if it is,
then i've never truly loved
because it's in the cracks and breaks
and ugly spots
i see the most beauty.
1.12.15
Words Unspoken
i wanted to say
i always need you
but how do i say that without terrifying
i wanted to say
you reaching out
feels like a hug,
like you wrapped me up
and i love that
i wanted to say
i was so honored you trusted me
and you can still trust
because i'm not walking away
because whatever this is
it belongs
and i listen to that still, small voice
way away inside my head
and it says trust.
i always need you
but how do i say that without terrifying
i wanted to say
you reaching out
feels like a hug,
like you wrapped me up
and i love that
i wanted to say
i was so honored you trusted me
and you can still trust
because i'm not walking away
because whatever this is
it belongs
and i listen to that still, small voice
way away inside my head
and it says trust.
Nowhere at all
The part of me
pessimistic
inclined to the worst case
because hope hurts so fucking much
understands.
i see all the "nopes," the "can't"s, the never works.
That back part of me
the unquenchable child
the hopeful one
the one who never shuts
up
no matter what
no matter how badly things are going
or what's been said to quench hope
All she sees is the looks
the touches
the pet names
the caring.
And all she can feel is hope.
pessimistic
inclined to the worst case
because hope hurts so fucking much
understands.
i see all the "nopes," the "can't"s, the never works.
That back part of me
the unquenchable child
the hopeful one
the one who never shuts
up
no matter what
no matter how badly things are going
or what's been said to quench hope
All she sees is the looks
the touches
the pet names
the caring.
And all she can feel is hope.
Confusion
You care
i feel it in your hands
on my body,
Your constant finding me
the way you see any time
i've gone away mentally.
You don't care
i feel it in your words
your refusal to see me
Your withdrawal
from the closeness we shared
for five short months
You care
i see it in your eyes,
in the way you reach out
any time i hurt,
in your smiles and in the way
you try to make me laugh.
So for now
just for now
i'm sitting in a corner
covering my confusion up
trying not to show hurt or anything else
because gods forbid i have feelings
and waiting to see.
Waiting
to hear
to speak
to feel
because sometimes
waiting is all i can do.
i feel it in your hands
on my body,
Your constant finding me
the way you see any time
i've gone away mentally.
You don't care
i feel it in your words
your refusal to see me
Your withdrawal
from the closeness we shared
for five short months
You care
i see it in your eyes,
in the way you reach out
any time i hurt,
in your smiles and in the way
you try to make me laugh.
So for now
just for now
i'm sitting in a corner
covering my confusion up
trying not to show hurt or anything else
because gods forbid i have feelings
and waiting to see.
Waiting
to hear
to speak
to feel
because sometimes
waiting is all i can do.
Examination
i suppose
one reason i'm healing
is that i was ready for that split
six months before it happened.
Not consciously
but part of me knew already
that the things he said and did
were at direct odds with each other
and that same still, small part of me
that knows you care
knew he gave no shits,
that his anger at my lack of trust
was because he was lying
that this was over
and it was past time
to take off the collar.
It just took six months
for my conscious mind
to catch up.
Hell, some days i still miss it
his hand in my hair
collar on my neck
"Good girl" on his lips
but what i miss
isn't what was
but what appeared to be
before it all came out.
one reason i'm healing
is that i was ready for that split
six months before it happened.
Not consciously
but part of me knew already
that the things he said and did
were at direct odds with each other
and that same still, small part of me
that knows you care
knew he gave no shits,
that his anger at my lack of trust
was because he was lying
that this was over
and it was past time
to take off the collar.
It just took six months
for my conscious mind
to catch up.
Hell, some days i still miss it
his hand in my hair
collar on my neck
"Good girl" on his lips
but what i miss
isn't what was
but what appeared to be
before it all came out.
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