CD/GAD edit

Submission for Literaturesexual Wednesday: this is one i've been working on for years. It's a bit muddled, i feel, but also a peek into the weirdness that's my brain on a daily basis.


Clinical depression: depression severe and persistent enough to be measured on the clinical scale. Marked by a depressed mood most of the day, particularly in the morning, and a loss of interest in normal activities and relationships -- symptoms that are present every day for at least 2 weeks. In addition, according to the DSM-5 -- a manual used to diagnose mental health conditions -- you may have other symptoms with major depression. Also called Major Depressive Disorder.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: n. a psychological disorder characterized by excessive or disproportionate anxiety about several aspects of life, such as work, social relationships, or financial matters. Symptoms must persist for six months prior to diagnosis.

That's what they do tell you.

What they don't: how many times
others will tell you that you are "too much"
too angry
too upset
too emotional
too something
too anything for them to handle.
That your gentle, loving, kind, understanding
who goes out of his way to reassure you
that you are never a burden
will tell you in the middle of a meltdown
that you need to learn to "detach."
Which you know
that was the worst moment to say it.

What they do tell you:
that you may experience heightened anxiety
that you may become stuck in a rut
that you may be randomly irritable or cranky or that
you might get frantic sometimes -
and that depression and anxiety both produce these symptoms,
so you're extra-screwed.

What they don't:
how you will obsess over moments small and large
you will fight to train your brain
to let go of ANYTHING
how 2 am will be your worst enemy
how much it will hurt
to have others push away
how your go-to defense mechanism
will be brattiness
and at the same time
you will probably cause your own worst fears
if you get bratty.
How one reprimand will snap you back
to behaving yourself,
  to seeing that you shouldn't brat out of fear,
 but it might
if you can behave by then.

What they do tell you:
you may be oversensitive
you may assume that one bad moment
is the end of everything ever

What they don't:
that the anxiety and depression
will create a dichotomy between adult
and child
in your brain, and how hope will be
the most painful thing you experience
and one pet name, one word, one phrase
will be the most reassuring thing
another person can possibly give you
but you cannot expect anything.

What they do tell you:
perhaps you should be on drugs

What they don't:
the drugs will help with the sadness
by putting a cloud around your brain
and you won't feel sad anymore
you won't be anxious
you won't
And you will try five different types
and they will all be the same
so finally you will decide
that you are going to try to do this sans drugs,
because you'd rather feel pain than nothing.

What they do tell you:
sometimes you will be out of control.

What they don't:
That you will see and recognize that out of control moment
or day
or month
But you will not be able to FUCKING STOP IT
and you will want to reach out and say
"This was my fear
and yours
intersecting in the worst way possible,
and i am so so so so
and please, please understand -
please see ME under this cloud
please believe i'm NOT this bad
please don't shove me away"
But you'll be afraid to reach out, afraid
you're just making everything

What they do tell you:
That you will probably be pessimistic.

What they don't:
That you will mentally prepare yourself
for everything EXCEPT the best-case
and that when you are met with unexpected
caring, when that switch
flips in your brain that tells you
"you're safe"
the next moment of bad
will fracture you emotionally,
because you were prepared for anything bad
but you got temporary good instead, and you
don't know how
to reconcile the two.

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