You never know
what will hit
until you're bent double
or suddenly running,
gasping under the weight
of yet another unintentional comment
and you never know
who will hit,
a random co-worker,
a friend who would never want
to hurt you,
a stranger on the street
and suddenly the back of your brain,
that part conditioned to believe
ANYTHING bad is true
because when he presented all your "faults"
he said "You want the truth? I'll give you the truth"
and then he dropped bombs in your brain
with the force of a fucking fighter plane
and they were bad bad bad girl,
playing the victim despite your feeling that
everything was All Your Fault,
casting blame on everyone around you
never mind that three days after
he was telling you that "everyone else"
said it was your fault
and hell, you already believed it
that no one needed you,
that you needed to be needed when you don't,
that you had no worth
without someone needing something
too much for him to handle
and if the person who collared you can't,
who else would want to, and why
would anyone want you?
And even now, months on,
now that you've defused most of those triggers
there are moments you still believe them
How he built up good/bad girl to flying or falling
how he used talking all the time as an "I love you" equivalent
or ignoring you for punishment
until you were begging
(you swore you'd never beg)
until that sick pit
in the bottom of your stomach
Until you have to fight through all this shit
to keep from projecting all his actions
onto unsuspecting people who
Until you were so fucking desperate
just to be told you were a decent person
that the right voice saying "good girl"
makes you cry.
But you can get back.
You are not
any of what he told you was "true"
you are wondrous,
strange and beautiful
loving and child-like and adult
lover and caretaker and wife and pet
and you can go back there.
You can be
who you have always been,
under all that insecurity.