i joke about the duality
between normal!brain and
Anxiety!Brain: Able to Leap to the Worst Conclusion in a Single Bound
But the reality is
anxiety is the tiny voice in the back of your brain
It is the voice that tells you
that no, there ARE opinions that matter
and it isn't going to care if
your logical brain says that no, that one doesn't.
It's the shying from conversations
the shutting off of your own emotion
the refusal to see yourself
the confusion once you do.
It is the voice that says You
Are Not Allowed
to have negative emotions,
because if you do -
if you do,
you're nothing but a burden.
It is the voice that says you are not -
will never be -
enjoyed for who, for what you are
that maybe who and what you are
and even when you manage to shunt
most of that to the side,
force yourself into some semblance
of calm and reality and acceptance
will catch you utterly off-guard
Like the moment your friend says
you have accepted him more fully
than people he's known for decades,
and you realize
it's because you want that, desperately,
from those whose opinions actually matter.
Those moments you remember
that one year,
ten years ago,
where every time
your phone rang
it was someone else you loved dead
and it left you so irrational about phone calls
and the thought of picking up the phone
comes with a mix of "They'll think
Something Bad Happened" and
feeling like you need permission.
When you realize
that one word can calm
or twist your thoughts
into massive confusion
and all it takes is one.
When you recognize
that a lot of the plans you make
on a day to day basis
on coping mechanisms
And when you know
that opening up to anyone
feels as though you are offering
raw, flayed underbelly
unless it doesn't,
and that "doesn't"
inevitably catches you
And you see clearly
that you're simultaneously
capable of infinite
But beneath the surface
that damn voice is saying,
"SEE THIS? SEE THAT?
And that voice doesn't care
if you happen to know for a fact
that it isn't true.
It doesn't matter, nothing matters
except the monologue behind your eyes
You must be useful
and if you're not, then
But you know better.
You know your worth
has never depended on
Not that anxietybrain
cares any more about it.