Mess

Some days i'm fine
  functional, stable adulthood
   responding to emails
    making lists
  doing everything
   right
   on
  time.
  Able to communicate effortlessly,
   clear
   concise,
    organized and brilliant and effective.
   Able to handle any situation
    get a grip on my emotions and do what i need to
      regardless of how scary it is.

 And the rest
  lost inside my head
   utterly
   convinced
 that i am hopeless,
  unable to ever explain myself
   peeling off my skin
   and revealing the layers
   underneath
    unable to say Please
  unable to say
   anything
because silence,
   that's safer.
   And i am so scared
    terror that eats into the back
     of my brain,
    and i want to say "NO"
  "STOP EVERYTHING, I DON'T
   WANT
   TO DO THIS. I CAN'T."
  And i get so angry
    at myself
   for believing that silence
   will ever accomplish
    anything. That avoidance
    of everything,
   surgery,
   emotions,
  all of it
 will ever
  make
 anything
 better.

Naked
   and bewildered
 and feeling so
   fucking
 melodramatic
   for being this emotional.