Frustration, or Wading Through the Crap

What no one tells you:

the sheer
sometimes frenzied

there is in healing
the loops
around and around
back through fears that surprise

The urge to connect,
to reach out
to beg
for attention
that will help silence the fear.
The overcoming of
that guilt
the conviction that he was right
that you're actually insane
and even once you're healing
even once you're mostly okay
even the times you feel
part of you remains convinced
that it will all come crashing down.

Being convinced
that everyone is
angry at you
tired of you
not knowing how or why
and that's part of it.

The inability to even articulate
what you want
because fuck if you know.
All you know is that you cycle
from fear of change
to fear of everything
and back again,
and even once you begin
to eradicate the fears,
they sneak up and
ambush you
at the most unexpected times
and with the people
you shouldn't be afraid of.

The simultaneous
fear of silence - shit, did i
just upset them? Did i do or say
something wrong?
Are they angry?
And urge to curl up
in a convenient hole
and just
come out,
because silence
can be so comforting
if you choose it.

And gods,
the acid taste
of bringing up the thoughts
anything that makes you

Having to remember:
you are not
a bad person
your friends are not angry
your concerns are valid.
No matter how hard it is
to remember any of that.

Though you can
let yourself be so
at the most surprising times
and in the oddest ways
when you are made unexpectedly
or when a stranger
calls you beautiful,
calls you good girl,
and you realize
as you crumple toward tears,
was all you wanted.

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