3.12.15

Contradictions

i've always described myself
  as a wealth of contradictions -
i hold back
  don't make many connections
 but i see the hidden pains,
   the emotions layered in protective blocks
the things people share with
   almost no one.
i can be logical and adult
   or silly and childish
Eternally hopeful
  and buried in despair and worst-case scenarios.
i've always had the urge
  to reach out to that hidden pain
   peel back the layers
 and apply love and comfort
  to those wounds i see
so when i reach
   it's because i see something
      that needs reaching to
And because i've allowed that person
   to somehow write their name
    on my heart
and often i frighten people
  because i see clearly
 and sometimes say nothing
   because sometimes i feel
 that the best possible response
   is touch, loving closeness
   rather than words.
Ironic, that, considering that words
flowed to me from my mother
  without pause
from the time i was born.
i can be so thorny
  especially when afraid
bratty or bitchy or too demanding
  or i can be quiet and patient and understanding
no matter what happens,
  no matter what walls are temporarily erected.
i overflow with love
   or sometimes rage
and i don't need anyone.
  i need those i care for desperately
and i'm fine alone
  or horribly lonely in a crowd.
i want no touch
  please cuddle me
and i want no contact.
  Please please please
     tell me i'm a good girl.
 Let me know i'm cared for.
Let me know i'm seen clearly
  and loved anyway.
Or because of my cracks and breaks
  and the ugly spots in my soul.
Because i love when i see those cracks
   and not before.
They say love is blind - if it is,
   then i've never truly loved
 because it's in the cracks and breaks
   and ugly spots
i see the most beauty.

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