Welcome to the Clusterfuck

It feels so good
  to finally breathe
function without that horrible, sickening fear
   that "what's next?"
 Overshadowing every thought and word
   every waking moment -

but i need you to understand
   that while there are entire regions of my emotions
     the equivalent of mountains,
   lakes, rivers, oceans
 where all is beautiful and free
     where i love fiercely and deeply
    Where you can roam without worries, indulging
      in whatever expression of affection you find good

  There are also entire swaths of salted land
    and abandoned buildings
Filled with mines and booby traps
  over the past four years
   by someone who used "sorry" and "I love you"
      as if they were bandaids to cover the
 lies that were fed directly into the few insecurities
    i still had
      and expanded those insecurities
       into an actively suicidal mess
          who shut off
any possibility of connection
   because she wasn't worth
      caring about.

Why did it take me
   so long to see clearly
     so long that i'm still
  just now discovering
     new revelations
 and new shocks
   about his character and who he is
   that i told myself were totally wrong?

Love became blind fear and i covered
   all of it
 ignored my intuition
    ignored the voice that said
 for six months before we split
   that this was over,
 acknowledge it and move on
and my fear
    that feeling that he was right and i am this
    bad bad bad
   submissive and poly person
 and too emotional and too needy
  to handle
and all the bombs he dropped integrated into my being
   and it became so much easier
  to believe the lies he told
    than to see the good truths in myself
     because It Was All My Fault
   all of it
and it was so much easier to blame myself
   than to blame someone i loved,
   to listen to those outside the clusterfuck
    who told me it was not my fault.

And over the past six months
   i have been desperately working
 with an excellent bomb squad
   in the form of therapy and quality time spent
   discussing everything with my husband,
     my constant voice of reason
    to disarm and explode all that ordinance.

  But i need you to understand
   there will be days where i'm either clingy
    or entirely shut off
There will be times that i absolutely believe
   that my interest and others'
   will forever be at odds;
  That my interest and theirs will never align
     long enough to form a bond
  that doesn't terrify one of the two of us,
   That no one i love
     except the man who has stuck with me
    through nine years and
      the implosion of a relationship
         based on illusion
   Will ever love me
   and for gods' sake, DO NOT
  make the mistake others have -
do not refuse to see this man's vitality and love
  and my love for him,
  do not refuse to see how he is my sanity
    and my voice of reason every day

That this is how i love,
    with that deep undercurrent of constant, unwavering affection
        and absolute determination that things will work,
    and that he met that trust and surpassed it
   and i believe utterly
         and absolutely
 in the reality
 of meeting halfway and building
     strength and love and understanding
  in other places, with other people,
and he supports me firmly in that belief.

There will be times that you encounter parts
   and pieces of that minefield
 and sometimes not even i know
    what will set off a panic-bomb.

And so much of the time
   i spend thinking that
   i am completely foolish,
     i have no right to ask anyone to love this mess
no right to think that anyone
   would want to climb into my head and heart
      and take any chance of hitting
all that ordinance
   inside the dark parts of my being.

There will be times that
  all i need
    is a word of reassurance
 or acknowledgement
 or care
But i won't always know how to ask
   and i will try
and there are entire continents in my being

That are still beautiful and undevastated
   and i am clearing the topsoil
    from the places the earth was salted
and every
you utter

Forms itself into a backhoe to help clear that salted earth.

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