When what you say
lights me up
and i want to paint you,
the roughness, the edges,
that twist of danger
and all the endless
softness
of your touch your voice your smile
The unsurprising
Revelations,
your tendency to avoid
"how are you" in favor of
anything else,
my own surprise
at how you
illuminate
me
How i want to sink in, to roll myself
around in you, lose myself
in your brain your psyche your tenderness
The anger not at me, never at me
Rather FOR me, my protection
and i can breathe -
hell, i can fly -
But all on my own, the wings
you illuminate belong to me,
the pictures you paint in words and care and
admitting who you are
me
How am i this lovely thing you see?
How do i stay, this far, no farther,
when all i want to do is paint
your body your face your touch your eyes
with my fingers, my lips, my limbs
Those eyes i want to climb inside
the lips, shoulders, gaze that sets me
longing, maybe
even pining for the rest of you -
The what
ifs
scattered like milk
and honey across my world
how do i not give in?
14.5.17
11.1.17
Realism
Realism
The reality of this situation is:
there is nowhere for any of this
overflowing
messy
emotion to go, and you
are gonna rend your heart
on the rocks of "What if."
But goddammit, do those
"what if"s feel good.
Twining yourself into arms in thought,
if not reality,
kneeling and breathing and thinking and
what if
that hand were on your neck
in your hair
that knife were at your throat
that voice were whispering
into your ear
what if
those arms were holding
lips touching
bodies twining
what
if
That light he turns on you
all the dark spots lit by
seeing you this way,
What
If
That light he turns on you
all the dark spots lit by
seeing you this way,
What
If
you could kneel and know
it was safe to give yourself up
put yourself at his
mercy
hand over all this
bottled emotion,
hand over all this
bottled emotion,
submit
Just
keep
breathing.
Don't
Don't wish,
don't think too far
don't do it
Do not open that door,
the what ifs, beyond
what you've already seen
Do not mistake this for anything
but what it is -
moments in time, nothing
that can ever be.
Don't wish
don't think too far
don't do it
Do not open that door,
the what ifs, beyond
what you've already seen
Do not mistake this for anything
but what it is -
moments in time, nothing
that can ever be.
Don't wish
3.8.16
Bad Days
It's often on the worst days
the ones where something catches me
completely off-guard,
when my brain freezes
and then explodes in panic
that i see the clearest.
Those days,
the ones i start spiraling
out of the carefully
rebuilt
control
the ones you catch
when i reach out
the days that
i wind up
prostrate
with gratitude,
limp with happiness
feeling too needy for words,
but so much calmer
those are the days i see
i am not a burden
i am not too much,
that it's okay
for me to need support
and that you don't resent
my asking,
that there are people out there
who will meet my pleas
for reassurance
with care,
with "we're here"
with love.
The reminders that
i don't have to bury myself
in fear and doubt.
And that stays
on the days i want to hide,
reminding me
that the depression and anxiety
lie
that i'm a whole human being,
and i am allowed
to need you.
the ones where something catches me
completely off-guard,
when my brain freezes
and then explodes in panic
that i see the clearest.
Those days,
the ones i start spiraling
out of the carefully
rebuilt
control
the ones you catch
when i reach out
the days that
i wind up
prostrate
with gratitude,
limp with happiness
feeling too needy for words,
but so much calmer
those are the days i see
i am not a burden
i am not too much,
that it's okay
for me to need support
and that you don't resent
my asking,
that there are people out there
who will meet my pleas
for reassurance
with care,
with "we're here"
with love.
The reminders that
i don't have to bury myself
in fear and doubt.
And that stays
on the days i want to hide,
reminding me
that the depression and anxiety
lie
that i'm a whole human being,
and i am allowed
to need you.
13.7.16
Lessons Learned
i
am
passionate
complete alone,
but happy with
some
others
caring
intense
afraid, but constantly
fighting
it
contradictory
hedged about with protections
instinctive
emotionally motivated
introverted
unwilling to talk/unable to shut
up
the owner of a mask that 90%
of the people i meet
will never
get
past -
and if you think you've seen
behind the mask,
trust me:
unless you have seen me
undone by emotion,
held me
while i dissolved in tears
or in the aftermath
of a panic attack
or had
a three am conversation
about things in the center
of both our beings,
you
haven't.
i am
allowed to make my own choices
about who i let in
i am
too quick to accept guilt
for denying the fantasies of strangers
and i need to remember
that while i am responsible
for being honest
and true to myself in my interactions
with others,
i
am
not
responsible
for making sure fantasies
and reality
ever match up.
i am
quick to love
and slow to let go,
unable to forget
but quick to forgive
and understand
my forgiveness is for you
but also
for myself,
because i refuse to hate
no matter what is done.
i am
a service-oriented
painslut
bratty
pet
submissive
and i am the only one
who decides
to whom
i submit.
i am
myself.
am
passionate
complete alone,
but happy with
some
others
caring
intense
afraid, but constantly
fighting
it
contradictory
hedged about with protections
instinctive
emotionally motivated
introverted
unwilling to talk/unable to shut
up
the owner of a mask that 90%
of the people i meet
will never
get
past -
and if you think you've seen
behind the mask,
trust me:
unless you have seen me
undone by emotion,
held me
while i dissolved in tears
or in the aftermath
of a panic attack
or had
a three am conversation
about things in the center
of both our beings,
you
haven't.
i am
allowed to make my own choices
about who i let in
i am
too quick to accept guilt
for denying the fantasies of strangers
and i need to remember
that while i am responsible
for being honest
and true to myself in my interactions
with others,
i
am
not
responsible
for making sure fantasies
and reality
ever match up.
i am
quick to love
and slow to let go,
unable to forget
but quick to forgive
and understand
my forgiveness is for you
but also
for myself,
because i refuse to hate
no matter what is done.
i am
a service-oriented
painslut
bratty
pet
submissive
and i am the only one
who decides
to whom
i submit.
i am
myself.
6.7.16
Sex sex sex
Lost
i so often
stand aloof,
closed off, turned away
because once i let you in,
once we've met
in that intimacy,
the craving becomes a thing
so strong
the smell of your skin
has me reacting,
much less a casual touch
or deliberate one; i
can only let so many
in,
or i might
explode with longing:
Let me learn you
with hands and lips and tongue,
run your hands over
every
inch
of my body;
let me find the places
that bring gasps
or moans,
lose myself in you
memorize your taste and smell.
Find out
what barely grazing my skin
with your fingertips
looks like under lamplight,
day, and twilight casts,
how it makes me writhe,
let my lips speak
secrets on your skin -
Can we just
be lost together
buried in each other's flesh
for a little while?
29.6.16
Wishes
Since childhood
she has learned
that wishes, spoken aloud,
can be twisted
perverted
brought to life in horribly unexpected ways
A child snatched by goblins,
hearts ripped out
or skin torn off,
people twisted into
caricatures of themselves
by helpless, obsessive love wishes
So she locks her wishes down
keeps them behind her lips,
inside her skull,
someplace safe
and warm
and so private
no one will ever, ever hear
and twist
what she wants
into some fucked up version
of reality.
she has learned
that wishes, spoken aloud,
can be twisted
perverted
brought to life in horribly unexpected ways
A child snatched by goblins,
hearts ripped out
or skin torn off,
people twisted into
caricatures of themselves
by helpless, obsessive love wishes
So she locks her wishes down
keeps them behind her lips,
inside her skull,
someplace safe
and warm
and so private
no one will ever, ever hear
and twist
what she wants
into some fucked up version
of reality.
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